Friday, 16 August 2013

Breaking down

I was 21 when I had a nervous breakdown. It had been building for a while; my emotion balloon had been filling with black air. A pack of wolves were stalking me in the shadows of that air and I could feel (but in no way understand) a creeping meaningless to everything within me and in my life; the threads of my life were coming apart. I felt and fell into a profound sadness that obliterated all other emotions. I was displaced from the paths other people walked on; I was becoming a refugee in my own skin. Eventually I began to feel nothing. I couldn't sleep and I was constantly on the verge of tears. I would feel nothing at all then I would feel everything all at one. What the hell was happening to me?

Then it happened, my crash day. The emotion balloon had reached its limit and finally popped. The wolves were close now and at last I heard them approaching but by then it was too late. Despair clung to my life and screamed in my ears. The wolves crashed into me and began to tear me apart. My emotions spilled out of their containers and burst in mid air. Everything became incredibly confusing and meaning dropped away. My life was being shook like a rag doll; everything seemed fractured and out of place. I stood naked in the biggest storm I've ever experienced. I was lost...

Luckily I held out my hand and my family grabbed it. I saw a psychiatrist and was put on anti-depressants. For months after the world was drained of colour but the earthquake gradually stopped and I regained my stability. A daily routine was built around me and I even tried yoga for the first time. It took nearly two years for me to recover.

Going through my breakdown taught me a huge amount about myself: my resilience, my fighting spirit, my innate love of life and willingness to learn. You have to go through depression to understand how to live alongside it; I never allow the emotion balloon to inflate that much again…


  1. more important is that you came out of it! And have found your love for life...It is very important as you said, to never let that balloon inflate that much again. there are times when you cannot necessarily deal with things, but holding them inside is never an option, should never be an option. letting go if you can is wonderful, but if one can not let go, then throw it out, disperse the tension from inside of you.

  2. You're an inspiration to us all. You have my total admiration. Congratulations and good luck.

  3. Thank you for being so open and honest about your breakdown and depression. Mental health unfortunately is still a taboo subject for many, people treat you very awkwardly when they know you have a 'problem', not always knowing what to say... sometimes we just want them to listen and not talk. We dont always want the answers from them, sometimes we have to find ourselves first before we find the answers that we want and only then can we challenge the world and its challenges it brings each day.

  4. Thanks sam. Yes, we must search and find our own path through depression. But the path is there! Feel free to share my post if you think it will help

  5. Thanks, i hope you dont mind but ive shared your blog on facebook... i started reading your blog via Sarahs links... i pop by every now and then and leave feeling enlightened by your thoughts and words... words and inspiration that can be transferred to all our lives...''You can't declare war on a disease, you can only learn to live with it in a sort of truce with yourself; the more you learn, the more neutral territory you gain and the greater the freedom to be you...'' i think this phrase could be my mantra. Thank you x