Wednesday, 18 December 2013

What my depression feels like

My life is like a carefully woven ball of wool. To live my life I use the ball of wool to create all sorts of garments; in the past I’ve made a DPhil jumper and currently I am trying to make a pair of writers trousers. I need the wool in a neat ball so it unwinds without getting tangled, allowing me to live a smooth and contented life.

However, I am currently going through a bout of depression related to my worsening Parkinson's symptoms. The effect of my depression is to unravel the ball of wool so it ends up in a tangled mess on the floor. It is very difficult trying to find the exposed end of the ball of wool to enable me to knit a garment and get through the day; I spend ages untangling the wool before I even pick up my knitting needles.

The longer the wool is left on the floor the quicker it becomes frayed and damaged, making it harder to knit the necessary clothes to function in daily life. Even when I manage to knit a garment it falls apart because of the damaged wool. The unused wool then becomes scattered around my life and my feet get caught in it and I continually trip over.

In the absence of new clothes to replace the old, the clothes I am wearing become faded and drop off me. I am left exposed to the cold winds of the depression storm.

I need to see the ball of wool as unraveled and not accept its tangled state as something normal.  I need to gather together the wool again and make sure it is wound into a neat ball. I need to recognise again the range of garments I can make. I need to be me again...

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